Infertility sensitivity training manual - Part 4

It might just be the Two Week Hate and I'm taking things the wrong way, but I have a few more points to add to the infertility sensitivity training manual. If you think of any more, feel free to pass them along.

(1) Do not: Tell me that I should be happy with what I have. I had a really hard day on Tuesday for several reasons that I'll vent about later. But my DH felt the need to point out that I was loved, and healthy (if infertility can't be counted as an illness) and have a full life ahead of me (unless I chose death by chocolate of course). My mum also does this to me, and I just hate it. While they're at it, they might as well tell me to finish my brussel sprouts because there are kids starving in Africa (incidentally, I was born in Africa so this one might actually work on me).

(2) Do not: ask me if there is anything 'new' going on. I recently called a friend of mine whose wife had a baby. We hadn't talked in a while, and he had the nerve to ask me what was new. I may just be in that 'dark' place but I felt like he was digging for info. He knows I'm barren - sheesh! 'Just the puppy,' I said trying to sound nice and bright and not a tad maniacal. (this was the same woman whose baby shower I attended with the hecklers).

Previous no-no's

(1) Do not: Send us pregnancy announcements by email without a warning first - unless you are 100% sure we are going to be at home when we pick it up.

Amendment 1A: As an amendment to this rule, Optimistically Hopeful said: My personal preference for pregnancy announcements would be e-mail, NOT the phone. It's so much easier for me to read an e-mail and be able to deal with it on my own terms and timeline than to be on the phone with someone and feel like I have to come up with an appropriate response.

(2) Do not: Talk about how horrible it is to be pregnant. You might think we are grateful to hear how we don't have to suffer with stretch marks, pregnancy acne and hemorrhoids, but what we're really thinking is "Get the preparation H ready!"

(3) Do not: Give us "knowing" looks when we pass on wine, beer, liquor and coffee. It's no secret. Sometimes we just want a diet coke.

(4) Do not: Make comments like "you don't know what it's like to be a parent." Ouch. This one's obvious, but it's happened to me before so I thought I should include it.

(5) Never say: You should just enjoy all the great sex (and this was from my mother). Who is she kidding? As I mentioned in my first blog, one of my fertility-challenged friends told me her husband actually said: "I don't even know if I like sex anymore." Doesn't that sound like good times?

Here are the suggestions I have received so far:

(1) From StillHopeful: After my second IVF failed, a close relative said, "Well, it must not have been meant to be, everything happens for a reason". Oh, so you're saying that I'm not cut out to be a mother?

(2) From Fuzzyhead: I don't think Fertiles should act shocked when Infertiles choose to talk about Their Problem. I told everybody and their dog about my infertiity, because it really did define my life for 3 years. It coloured everything. Yet my MIL was shocked that I told anyone (and if she had known what a blog was, she'd have been shocked I blogged about it.) She thought I should have kept it private. I chose the opposite, in part because: what's the point of being ashamed about life handing you a pile of poo that you didn't ask for? And also because the world could use some edu-macating about this stuff.

(3) From Michele: Do not tell an expectant parent who has lost a child that God is replacing that child/children, that things will be okay because the other child died, and things along that line. If one more person says that i should feel better because i'm pregnant again and "things will be fine" I will scream. Or perhaps explode. You can't replace a baby with another. They aren't books or cars. They are people.

(4) From Fran: Do not tell us: "you know, I thought I was infertile, then I came to terms with it and fell pregnant". Mmmhh I see...I know she means well, but come on, we are two an half year into this hell and I know very well that I didn't feel that desperate after only three months.

(5) From Best when used by: It's not okay to ask your infertile friend/relative EVERY time you see her whether she is pregnant yet, still trying, having enough sex, comment on how fun it must be to "practice" or say, "Stop thinking about it and it will happen."

(6) From Melissa: Amen on the are you pregnant yet question. Dear god, I wouldn't tell you if I were for at least the first trimester.