First of all I'd like to welcome my new followers! Thanks for following, and I promise I'm not usually this lax with my postings. :-) I'm sure you've probably read about Beatrice, who is currently sitting at the end of the bed, whining and trying to get onto the floor. That's when she isn't trying to jump on my keyboard. (okay, so we have some training to do).
I've made a vow to write more despite her efforts to tire me out with endless games of fetch, long walks in the park and general merriment. She won't break me, no matter how hard she tries.
The funny thing is that whenever I have these big gaps in my postings, I'm worried that my friends who read my blog will think I'm pregnant and just laying low. I wouldn't want to get their hopes up. So no, still not preggers. In fact, I just finished my period.
The good news is that the mainly meatless diet my naturopath suggested seems to be working! I feel much better overall, and the nasty AF cramps I've had ever since I took those few doses of fertility pills have finally disappeared! No more waking up in the middle of the night to search for Advil, no more wanting to curl up in the fetal position under my desk at work, and no more worries that I've done irrevocable damage. Just AF and nothing but AF.
In related news, I broke it off with Dr. Lunge. He's a really nice fertility specialist and everything, but this relationship just isn't going anywhere. Every time I go on one of our"dates" he makes me take yet another blood test, which tells me the same thing it always does - that my hormones are basically fine.
He's just not getting the hint, so I made a clean break and cancelled my appointment with him this Thursday. I hope he doesn't get all needy on me and start leaving messages on my cell phone telling me how much he loves my uterus or anything crazy like that. I don't know how I would handle it.
Other than that, I'm so stoked it's Sunday tomorrow and the only plans I have so far is sushi for dinner with DH's sister and hubby. Life is good...
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Shocker!
I just found out a friend is pregnant. And I don't feel horrible. I didn't cry. I didn't even whimper. When my hubby told me, I just said: "Wow. I always thought they'd have 3 kids." And I did.
You want to know why I'm so calm? Because I'm tired of it. I'm tired of all of it - of worrying about if I'll get pregnant, and when we should be having sex, and how my hormone levels are. I'm tired of sitting in the dr.'s office once a month for a two-second meeting only to find out, yup, I'm still infertile. I'm tired of feeling guilty for thinking I haven't done enough to make things happen. And mostly, I'm tired of how negative it all makes me feel.
I want to be positive about my future. My DH is awesome, our two cats and Beatrice are finally getting along (okay - so maybe the little cat still wants to scratch Bee's eyes out, but the big guy is okay). I started working on some future career plans (I'll save those for another post) and I'm also hoping to go to Greece next summer with my family.
Maybe I'm going through a stage and I'm just bottling up all my infertility emotions. Maybe I'll get back from my trip to Greece and be even more devastated. But at least I'll have one hell of a tan...
You want to know why I'm so calm? Because I'm tired of it. I'm tired of all of it - of worrying about if I'll get pregnant, and when we should be having sex, and how my hormone levels are. I'm tired of sitting in the dr.'s office once a month for a two-second meeting only to find out, yup, I'm still infertile. I'm tired of feeling guilty for thinking I haven't done enough to make things happen. And mostly, I'm tired of how negative it all makes me feel.
I want to be positive about my future. My DH is awesome, our two cats and Beatrice are finally getting along (okay - so maybe the little cat still wants to scratch Bee's eyes out, but the big guy is okay). I started working on some future career plans (I'll save those for another post) and I'm also hoping to go to Greece next summer with my family.
Maybe I'm going through a stage and I'm just bottling up all my infertility emotions. Maybe I'll get back from my trip to Greece and be even more devastated. But at least I'll have one hell of a tan...
Friday, August 28, 2009
Infertility sensitivity training manual - Part 6
After two hours of play time with her best friend "Buddi" my little Bee is finally asleep. So I've snuck off to get the next instalment of the infertility sensitivity training manual posted. If you've got more, feel free to send them along!
New additions to the list:
(1) From Fertility Chick: I would say that if you are aware of my IF issues and about to announce your good news to the entire world (be it at a party or whatever) could you at least give me a quiet heads up beforehand?? Trying to smile when both completely caught off guard and feeling like you've been kicked in the gut is not easy!!
(2) From Jay: When your mother starts coming up with solutions to your IF the DAY after your first IVF failure, tell her to shut up!!! I would say to tell her to shut up nicely, BUT when you are pumped full of the IVF 'mones, there is no way of being diplomatic!
(3) From my friend S.: Please add this to the infertility sensitivity training manual: women who bring their babies to the fertility clinic – their cute, adorable babies who make you feel even worse because you don’t have one of your own. Further, women who bring their babies to the clinic and tell waiting patients “oh she was born because of this wonderful clinic, if anything she could be an inspiration to you!” – ah thanks lady, flaunt your success in my face why don’t you!
Previous suggestions:
(1) From Mad Hatter: I have a special one for employers who might be guessing that one is TTC - DON'T offer to put off a big project we're working on for another year. I got that the other day. (sigh)
(2) From Jay: I love when a pregnant friend is complaining about x,y,z and they go, "just wait until your pregnant, you'll see." And the friend KNOWS you are infertile...Ok, really? It is getting more unlikely by the day of ME getting pregnant. IF you must complain, save me the speech about MY someday!!!Unless you are trained in the art of crystal ball reading.
(3) From StillHopeful: After my second IVF failed, a close relative said, "Well, it must not have been meant to be, everything happens for a reason". Oh, so you're saying that I'm not cut out to be a mother?
(4) From Fuzzyhead: I don't think Fertiles should act shocked when Infertiles choose to talk about Their Problem. I told everybody and their dog about my infertiity, because it really did define my life for 3 years. It coloured everything. Yet my MIL was shocked that I told anyone (and if she had known what a blog was, she'd have been shocked I blogged about it.) She thought I should have kept it private. I chose the opposite, in part because: what's the point of being ashamed about life handing you a pile of poo that you didn't ask for? And also because the world could use some edu-macating about this stuff.
(5) From Michele: Do not tell an expectant parent who has lost a child that God is replacing that child/children, that things will be okay because the other child died, and things along that line. If one more person says that i should feel better because i'm pregnant again and "things will be fine" I will scream. Or perhaps explode. You can't replace a baby with another. They aren't books or cars. They are people.
(6) From Fran: Do not tell us: "you know, I thought I was infertile, then I came to terms with it and fell pregnant". Mmmhh I see...I know she means well, but come on, we are two an half year into this hell and I know very well that I didn't feel that desperate after only three months.
(7) From Best when used by: It's not okay to ask your infertile friend/relative EVERY time you see her whether she is pregnant yet, still trying, having enough sex, comment on how fun it must be to "practice" or say, "Stop thinking about it and it will happen."
(8) From Melissa: Amen on the are you pregnant yet question. Dear god, I wouldn't tell you if I were for at least the first trimester.
Previous no-no's:
(1) Do not: Tell me that I should be happy with what I have. I had a really hard day on Tuesday for several reasons that I'll vent about later. But my DH felt the need to point out that I was loved, and healthy (if infertility can't be counted as an illness) and have a full life ahead of me (unless I chose death by chocolate of course). My mum also does this to me, and I just hate it. While they're at it, they might as well tell me to finish my brussel sprouts because there are kids starving in Africa (incidentally, I was born in Africa so this one might actually work on me).
(2) Do not: ask me if there is anything 'new' going on. I recently called a friend of mine whose wife had a baby. We hadn't talked in a while, and he had the nerve to ask me what was new. I may just be in that 'dark' place but I felt like he was digging for info. He knows I'm barren - sheesh! 'Just the puppy,' I said trying to sound nice and bright and not a tad maniacal. (this was the same woman whose baby shower I attended with the hecklers).
(3) Do not: Send us pregnancy announcements by email without a warning first - unless you are 100% sure we are going to be at home when we pick it up.
Amendment 3A: As an amendment to this rule, Optimistically Hopeful said: My personal preference for pregnancy announcements would be e-mail, NOT the phone. It's so much easier for me to read an e-mail and be able to deal with it on my own terms and timeline than to be on the phone with someone and feel like I have to come up with an appropriate response.
(4) Do not: Talk about how horrible it is to be pregnant. You might think we are grateful to hear how we don't have to suffer with stretch marks, pregnancy acne and hemorrhoids, but what we're really thinking is "Get the preparation H ready!"
(5) Do not: Give us "knowing" looks when we pass on wine, beer, liquor and coffee. It's no secret. Sometimes we just want a diet coke.
(6) Do not: Make comments like "you don't know what it's like to be a parent." Ouch. This one's obvious, but it's happened to me before so I thought I should include it.
(7) Never say: You should just enjoy all the great sex (and this was from my mother). Who is she kidding? As I mentioned in my first blog, one of my fertility-challenged friends told me her husband actually said: "I don't even know if I like sex anymore." Doesn't that sound like good times?
New additions to the list:
(1) From Fertility Chick: I would say that if you are aware of my IF issues and about to announce your good news to the entire world (be it at a party or whatever) could you at least give me a quiet heads up beforehand?? Trying to smile when both completely caught off guard and feeling like you've been kicked in the gut is not easy!!
(2) From Jay: When your mother starts coming up with solutions to your IF the DAY after your first IVF failure, tell her to shut up!!! I would say to tell her to shut up nicely, BUT when you are pumped full of the IVF 'mones, there is no way of being diplomatic!
(3) From my friend S.: Please add this to the infertility sensitivity training manual: women who bring their babies to the fertility clinic – their cute, adorable babies who make you feel even worse because you don’t have one of your own. Further, women who bring their babies to the clinic and tell waiting patients “oh she was born because of this wonderful clinic, if anything she could be an inspiration to you!” – ah thanks lady, flaunt your success in my face why don’t you!
Previous suggestions:
(1) From Mad Hatter: I have a special one for employers who might be guessing that one is TTC - DON'T offer to put off a big project we're working on for another year. I got that the other day. (sigh)
(2) From Jay: I love when a pregnant friend is complaining about x,y,z and they go, "just wait until your pregnant, you'll see." And the friend KNOWS you are infertile...Ok, really? It is getting more unlikely by the day of ME getting pregnant. IF you must complain, save me the speech about MY someday!!!Unless you are trained in the art of crystal ball reading.
(3) From StillHopeful: After my second IVF failed, a close relative said, "Well, it must not have been meant to be, everything happens for a reason". Oh, so you're saying that I'm not cut out to be a mother?
(4) From Fuzzyhead: I don't think Fertiles should act shocked when Infertiles choose to talk about Their Problem. I told everybody and their dog about my infertiity, because it really did define my life for 3 years. It coloured everything. Yet my MIL was shocked that I told anyone (and if she had known what a blog was, she'd have been shocked I blogged about it.) She thought I should have kept it private. I chose the opposite, in part because: what's the point of being ashamed about life handing you a pile of poo that you didn't ask for? And also because the world could use some edu-macating about this stuff.
(5) From Michele: Do not tell an expectant parent who has lost a child that God is replacing that child/children, that things will be okay because the other child died, and things along that line. If one more person says that i should feel better because i'm pregnant again and "things will be fine" I will scream. Or perhaps explode. You can't replace a baby with another. They aren't books or cars. They are people.
(6) From Fran: Do not tell us: "you know, I thought I was infertile, then I came to terms with it and fell pregnant". Mmmhh I see...I know she means well, but come on, we are two an half year into this hell and I know very well that I didn't feel that desperate after only three months.
(7) From Best when used by: It's not okay to ask your infertile friend/relative EVERY time you see her whether she is pregnant yet, still trying, having enough sex, comment on how fun it must be to "practice" or say, "Stop thinking about it and it will happen."
(8) From Melissa: Amen on the are you pregnant yet question. Dear god, I wouldn't tell you if I were for at least the first trimester.
Previous no-no's:
(1) Do not: Tell me that I should be happy with what I have. I had a really hard day on Tuesday for several reasons that I'll vent about later. But my DH felt the need to point out that I was loved, and healthy (if infertility can't be counted as an illness) and have a full life ahead of me (unless I chose death by chocolate of course). My mum also does this to me, and I just hate it. While they're at it, they might as well tell me to finish my brussel sprouts because there are kids starving in Africa (incidentally, I was born in Africa so this one might actually work on me).
(2) Do not: ask me if there is anything 'new' going on. I recently called a friend of mine whose wife had a baby. We hadn't talked in a while, and he had the nerve to ask me what was new. I may just be in that 'dark' place but I felt like he was digging for info. He knows I'm barren - sheesh! 'Just the puppy,' I said trying to sound nice and bright and not a tad maniacal. (this was the same woman whose baby shower I attended with the hecklers).
(3) Do not: Send us pregnancy announcements by email without a warning first - unless you are 100% sure we are going to be at home when we pick it up.
Amendment 3A: As an amendment to this rule, Optimistically Hopeful said: My personal preference for pregnancy announcements would be e-mail, NOT the phone. It's so much easier for me to read an e-mail and be able to deal with it on my own terms and timeline than to be on the phone with someone and feel like I have to come up with an appropriate response.
(4) Do not: Talk about how horrible it is to be pregnant. You might think we are grateful to hear how we don't have to suffer with stretch marks, pregnancy acne and hemorrhoids, but what we're really thinking is "Get the preparation H ready!"
(5) Do not: Give us "knowing" looks when we pass on wine, beer, liquor and coffee. It's no secret. Sometimes we just want a diet coke.
(6) Do not: Make comments like "you don't know what it's like to be a parent." Ouch. This one's obvious, but it's happened to me before so I thought I should include it.
(7) Never say: You should just enjoy all the great sex (and this was from my mother). Who is she kidding? As I mentioned in my first blog, one of my fertility-challenged friends told me her husband actually said: "I don't even know if I like sex anymore." Doesn't that sound like good times?
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Blame Beatrice!
I just opened an email from a friend asking why I hadn't posted in a long time. It's pretty simple really - she's cute, she's furry, and she's got more energy than I can handle. Yup, Miss Beatrice is earning her nickname of "Nutty McNutty" by keeping me and DH running around morning, noon, and most of the night.
Here is my new puppy schedule:
6:30 - get up. Feed the cats. Get the puppy outside for a pee.
6:45 - make breakfast (really enjoying my protein shakes recommended by the naturopath)
7 - give Bee her breakfast
7:15 - hand her over to Jamie while I get ready. He takes her for a drive to get a coffee and then a run in the park
8:15 - off to work
11:45 to 1:15 - I arrive home to get her out again (unless Jamie can come home, and I can selfishly enjoy an hour lunch with friends at work :-) - I REALLY enjoy these days now)
1:15 - back to work
Around 5 - arrive home to get puppy out, unless Jamie has already done that.
5:30 - play with Beatrice for half an hour in the backyard while either I or DH gets dinner ready.
6 - wolf down dinner while Beatrice watches us through the sliding door off the deck (or while she harasses the cat, causing a hissing fit under the kitchen table - ahhhh, so relaxing)
6:30 - 7:30 - Take Beatrice off for a walk, usually somewhere there are people because she could really care to just "walk" - she is so people motivated that we either let her follow someone or end up dragging her for half the walk
7:30 - give Bee her dinner
7:31 - Play catch and pray she needs a nap so we can get a few things done.
8 - collapse in front of television
8:30 - Take Bee back to stop her from running around the house like a maniac
9 - hand her off to Jamie if possible to get a few house chores done
10 - stumble into bed
So there you have it, craziness thanks to nutty mcnutty. But even so, I really do miss posting. So I'm vowing to get back into it. I still need to update the Infertility Sensitivity Manual (received a few more suggestions) and a few other interesting tidbits.
Well, that wasn't so hard. I'm sure I can find a few minutes here and there. Oops - time to get Beatrice up for lunch. And so it begins again...
Here is my new puppy schedule:
6:30 - get up. Feed the cats. Get the puppy outside for a pee.
6:45 - make breakfast (really enjoying my protein shakes recommended by the naturopath)
7 - give Bee her breakfast
7:15 - hand her over to Jamie while I get ready. He takes her for a drive to get a coffee and then a run in the park
8:15 - off to work
11:45 to 1:15 - I arrive home to get her out again (unless Jamie can come home, and I can selfishly enjoy an hour lunch with friends at work :-) - I REALLY enjoy these days now)
1:15 - back to work
Around 5 - arrive home to get puppy out, unless Jamie has already done that.
5:30 - play with Beatrice for half an hour in the backyard while either I or DH gets dinner ready.
6 - wolf down dinner while Beatrice watches us through the sliding door off the deck (or while she harasses the cat, causing a hissing fit under the kitchen table - ahhhh, so relaxing)
6:30 - 7:30 - Take Beatrice off for a walk, usually somewhere there are people because she could really care to just "walk" - she is so people motivated that we either let her follow someone or end up dragging her for half the walk
7:30 - give Bee her dinner
7:31 - Play catch and pray she needs a nap so we can get a few things done.
8 - collapse in front of television
8:30 - Take Bee back to stop her from running around the house like a maniac
9 - hand her off to Jamie if possible to get a few house chores done
10 - stumble into bed
So there you have it, craziness thanks to nutty mcnutty. But even so, I really do miss posting. So I'm vowing to get back into it. I still need to update the Infertility Sensitivity Manual (received a few more suggestions) and a few other interesting tidbits.
Well, that wasn't so hard. I'm sure I can find a few minutes here and there. Oops - time to get Beatrice up for lunch. And so it begins again...
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